me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
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My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
You sure about that?
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Pringles
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Need WebMD