ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
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My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.