Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
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Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
HELP 😭
no one likes gloating
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked