Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.