@panmidwest

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

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@krisv_723

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

@onedavedeep

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

@marknorm

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

@KissabiX

[sees a lion and a witch come out of a wardrobe]

Me: what have you been up to in there?

Lion: Narnia business

@AComicTragedy

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

@mattytalks

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

@DrakeGatsby

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

@uccjeb

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

@ItsAndyRyan

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back