ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
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Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting