Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
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Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[sees a lion and a witch come out of a wardrobe]
Me: what have you been up to in there?
Lion: Narnia business
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
What’s the downside of house arrest?
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back