Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
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Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
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You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day