Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
You Might Also Like
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
🤣
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.