Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
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the answer was staring at me all along
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.