Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
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The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
cause of death:
autopsy.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
My Sentiments Exactly
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.