Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
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People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity