Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

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Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel


*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*


me: [lighting firework] this one is called “blooming flowers in summer”

kid: it sucks it does nothing

me: it smells nice tho

wife: did you just light my yankee candle


*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”


I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”


My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?


Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.


I bet it’s tough being a police sketch artist in China.


Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.


Like prison, most don’t learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese.