Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
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I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
channeling her this year
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”