Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
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You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
whenever i wake up before my alarm
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy