Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
You Might Also Like
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
#dnd #ttrpg
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
One venti cheeseburger please.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode