me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
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Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”