ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
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Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Feels like the fourth month in January
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
🤭😂
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
This forever.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)