me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
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My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking