me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
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What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.