Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
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ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.