me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
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I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
How dramatic are you?
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Hey i am sexy to you now
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Good point.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.