@thatdutchperson

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

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@copymama

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

@runninforwine

Mom said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So I became sarcastic.

@slimmy_shady

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

@LemmingDad

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

@Tmoney68

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

@iwearaonesie

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

@envydatropic

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

@Talkbackatme

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

@Ristolable

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

@vineyille

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised