Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
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if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Bread puns are on the rise!
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up