@EndhooS

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

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@generaldietz

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

@BlackCatBettie

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

@Book_Krazy

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

@TeejayRush

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

@IamJackBoot

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

@susafrican420

white ppl: omg lakeisha is such a ghetto name
white ppl: here comes my child daffodil ginseng blueberry yogurt

@UnFitz

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

@markydoodoo

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

@DanHirsch

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years