Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
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Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
My favorite farside!!
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Writing, She Murdered.