Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

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[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that


You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.



Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.


Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…


Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.


white ppl: omg lakeisha is such a ghetto name
white ppl: here comes my child daffodil ginseng blueberry yogurt


Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.


Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.


Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years