god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Do you think I’m pretty
ME: wow your correct
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Petting my dog with a spatula cause I’m too lazy to reach and he is too lazy to move closer
Why is there a spatula in my room?
Sorry I borrowed your duck lips to pull a dent out of my car.