@ChicksRule

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

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@parttimewinner

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

@daemonic3

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

@bourgeoisalien

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

@mdob11

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

@kelkulus

Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.

@BuckyIsotope

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

@PascalSloths

Petting my dog with a spatula cause I’m too lazy to reach and he is too lazy to move closer

Why is there a spatula in my room?