Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
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White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
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My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
This kid will have a bright future.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back