Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
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When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”