Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke