BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
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I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: no sir
0: you were swerving
O: oh, I’m on Twitter what’s your handle
M: yes, I was drinking
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
*talking into the phone, loudly enough
that I know those ladies can hear me*
WHATS THAT? MY SPACESHIP IS READY? GREAT, THANKS BARACK. OBAMA.
A Chicago High School played Justin Bieber’s “Baby” between classes and students had to pay to stop it – They earned $1,000 in 3 days.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary