Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
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To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
No Google it does not
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”