me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
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*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫