Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
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I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
kids play hide and seek like
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Not today, today.
Not today.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein