Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
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“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*