Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
You Might Also Like
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.