Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
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I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you