Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

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Coca-cola should make a Coca-cola flavored candy cane and call it a Coke Cane.


Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish


Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.


me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda


[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean


If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.


Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn’t oblivious to my Italian bloodline.


Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.


Last night I got so drunk I spent an hour apologizing to a tree for saying it’s bark was worse than it’s bite.