The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
You Might Also Like
Coca-cola should make a Coca-cola flavored candy cane and call it a Coke Cane.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn’t oblivious to my Italian bloodline.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Last night I got so drunk I spent an hour apologizing to a tree for saying it’s bark was worse than it’s bite.