ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
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evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*