me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
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KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
🤔😂😂