@Browtweaten

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

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@JustBeingEmma

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

@UnFitz

Boss: Did you show up here to work today or are you going to slack off again?

Me: We’ll see. Let’s not ruin the surprise.

@ItsAndyRyan

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

@darksidedeb

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

@FredTaming

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

@senderblock23

If you love something, let it go. Unless that thing is a cat. Your cat will not come back.

@runolgarun

saw someone spill their high end juice cleanse all over the sidewalk and now I know god is on my side

@rn_murse

roman soldiers are all like “i’m going to fight you in this short, yet tasteful, leather skirt.”

@bea_ker

That’s the third time Adam Sandler’s scootered past my house this morning. Dude if you want to go on my trampoline just ask