me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

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I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.


Boss: Did you show up here to work today or are you going to slack off again?

Me: We’ll see. Let’s not ruin the surprise.


[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back


Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.


pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron


If you love something, let it go. Unless that thing is a cat. Your cat will not come back.


saw someone spill their high end juice cleanse all over the sidewalk and now I know god is on my side


roman soldiers are all like “i’m going to fight you in this short, yet tasteful, leather skirt.”


That’s the third time Adam Sandler’s scootered past my house this morning. Dude if you want to go on my trampoline just ask