ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
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Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Whoever named a pack of Hyenas a Cackle should name more groups of animals.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
When it comes to telling a joke, opportunity Knock Knocks. #jokes