@bornmiserable

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

You Might Also Like

@KateWhineHall

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

@Fried_Tweeter

Whoever named a pack of Hyenas a Cackle should name more groups of animals.

@TheHyyyype

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

@DanMentos

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

@LlamaInaTux

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

@stizod

When it comes to telling a joke, opportunity Knock Knocks. #jokes