ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

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Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.


Whoever named a pack of Hyenas a Cackle should name more groups of animals.


wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon


My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.


the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks



Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that


When it comes to telling a joke, opportunity Knock Knocks. #jokes