ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
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I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.