Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
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What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
This dude got his own movie?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!