I triple waxed for this?
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me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Florida be like…
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?