As a child I fought naps
Dr: [at couples counselling]I meant, what regrets do you have with your relationship
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
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I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
*sees a cat yawning*
How the hell can you be tired?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Good things to say after sex
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
*driving through the beautiful country side*
There really are endless options when it comes to dumping a corpse.