@deadstick_ron

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

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@sixfootcandy

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

@HousewifeOfHell

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

@SteussieErica

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

@BoogTweets

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

@TheDailySchmuck

Black Super Mario

*Jumps on mushroom*

*Throws fireball at turtle*

*Slides down sewer pipe*

*Arrested for assault, arson, and trespass*

@JohnLyonTweets

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

@StupidSophia_

Me: “The only person I need in my life is you.”
Bartender: “Please stop trying to hold my hand.”

@duplicitron

I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I’m walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.

@sixfootcandy

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.