Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

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As a child I fought naps
Dr: [at couples counselling]I meant, what regrets do you have with your relationship


I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this


i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone


*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy


if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised


Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero


*sees a cat yawning*
How the hell can you be tired?


Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks


Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he


*driving through the beautiful country side*

There really are endless options when it comes to dumping a corpse.