Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
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I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.