Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
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Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Black Super Mario
*Jumps on mushroom*
*Throws fireball at turtle*
*Slides down sewer pipe*
*Arrested for assault, arson, and trespass*
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Me: “The only person I need in my life is you.”
Bartender: “Please stop trying to hold my hand.”
I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I’m walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.