I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
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“Did you do your homework?” “Did you grade my test?” “I have other student’s tests to grade.” “I have other teacher’s homework to do.”
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.nnI probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!!
*holds up severed head
The crowd stared in horror as the National Spelling Bee contest took a morbid twist.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.