@thepunningman

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

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@Kryzazy

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

@mrace_ventura

“Did you do your homework?” “Did you grade my test?” “I have other student’s tests to grade.” “I have other teacher’s homework to do.”

@thenoahkinsey

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

@BradBroaddus

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.nnI probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

@Parkerlawyer

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

@NotZaphod

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

@EpicurusRising

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!!

*holds up severed head

The crowd stared in horror as the National Spelling Bee contest took a morbid twist.

@Cheeseboy22

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

@sixthformpoet

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

@ericsshadow

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.