Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
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My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”