Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
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Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
new career option?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.