me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
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Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Meme Monday.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you