me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
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i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Ironic
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Beards are a privilege, not a right
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
mentally somewhere in italy
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
The internet is full of many things
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
there’s probably a fee though
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you