ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
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[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Britain be like
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily