Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
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“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Good dog. ❤️
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Um … Hot Wings please
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…