me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
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I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
this isn’t threatening at all
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”