Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
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[Opens hand sanitiser]
?????? ???? ????
?? ??????? ???? ????
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I’m still not a member of Jem and the Holograms and that is truly truly truly outrageous.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
The ex hasn’t moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine