Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
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respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”