Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Worth remembering.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I love you…
…r dog.