ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!


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Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician


The cashier at the grocery store just gave me an “I’m cooler than you” look. Dude I will fight you with this baby strapped to me


I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.


The lord spoke and said “let there be light” and there was light.

Lucifer spoke and said “let there be darkness” and there was darkness.

Death spoke and said “let there be soft mood lighting with a slow jam playing” and Death got laid.


A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”


Me: honey, can you call and check on this bill for me?

Husband: sure!

[1 day later]

Me: honey, did you make that call?

Husband: shoot I forgot, I will today!

[1 year later]

Husband: I made that call you asked me to do the other day.


Emailing teachers be like

Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar*

Professor: “sure” -sent from my iPhone


Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.