ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
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I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
🤣🤣🤣
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
getting old is fun
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Uh oh…
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you