ME: [spraying hose to make a rainbow over a bear trap]
WIFE: stop trying to trap a leprechaun
ME: I really want a pot of gold or some cereal

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Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.


Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”


Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?


Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off


doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no


Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.


[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple


ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.