Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
ME: [spraying hose to make a rainbow over a bear trap]
WIFE: stop trying to trap a leprechaun
ME: I really want a pot of gold or some cereal
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Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
me: so u guys come here often?
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Cashier: Eat this apple
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.