me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
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as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller