Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
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I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Nose
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight